Absolutely Retarded
by Plutarch
Summary: YAOI and other male... issues. Every once in a while in life, you make mistakes. Some are funny. Some are stupid. Some are absolutely retarded. Shinkness! ONESHOT


I wrote this at camp, and found it amusing. I must warn you. It's rated M for a reason. There will be obvious **shounen ai / slash, cursing, and nudity**. If you're squeemish at this stuff **TURN BACK NOW!**

Whos the pairing, might you ask? SheikxLink of course. Sheik, _as you will see in this fic_, is male and his own character.

And if you flame, I will **dropkick your ass** cause I warned ya. Don't like it. Don't read it.

* * *

Absolutely Retarded

Every once in a while in life, you make mistakes. Some are funny. Some are stupid. Some are absolutely retarded. And then, after that, it's like Karma pays you back and you are back to your original lives. This is my 'absolutely retarded' mistake.

Thing you think are 'absolutely retarded' happen when the 'rents are scolding you about breaking society rules, questioning authority, going and doing something as stupid as taking off my turban when I'm not supposed to. Let me explain. Sheikah males are meant to be concealed. At. All. Times…

Ts torture, especially at ninety degree weather in Kakariko Village, where in the distance, Death Mountain cuts off all winds and sends black hot smoke in its stead. So Impa, ex caretaker of Our Majesty Queen Zelda, Shadow Sage, Leader of Kakariko Village, and my own parental figure, gave me a huge lecture on our damned cult rules.

…I take that back. I don't mean that! I truly respect my Sheikah heritage! I wouldn't give it up for the world.

So after the lecture, I left and sat sown by the well, moping about men's rights and force myself to from grabbing my most dangerous weapon. Oh Nayru! Oh Farore! Oh Din! This is terrible! This is absolutely horrible! This is abominable!

Let me be direct. When I mean, "grabbing my most dangerous weapon" I mean the weapon beneath my tight blue lower body suit. My torn up, baggy vest, marked with the Sheikah eye, covered the ever growing bulge in my pants. I don't think I need to inform you any more of this.

There was Link, Hero of Time, in all his glory. His blonde hair blew in the tiny breeze. He moved his toned and tanned body like he was floating on air. He shot me one of his drop-dead sexy smirks that made my knees shake. I practically fell off the cliff for this guy. It was almost impossible to hide my lust for this oh so shaggable hunk. Yet, I seemed to manage… barely…

"Sheik," Link greeted me and sat down on the well. I could feel his thigh ever so lightly brush against mine. He noticed the frustration in my eyes. "Why the long face?"

I sighed. "I hate clothes," I blurted out. Link raised an eyebrow, so before providing further embarrassment, I explained to him, "It's so hot I'm going to pass out."

"Well now, if you do then the 'Hero of Time' will be right here to save you," he said jokingly yet proudly. I smiled. He is so full of himself. It made him look even sexier, even though that seemed impossible. He stretched and started to take off his hat and green tunic. I was glad that I had my collar on or else he would see my jaw drop to the floor.

He was left in his white undershirt and pants. I wished that the well wasn't dried up now. Perhaps I could innocently push him into the water and catch a glimpse of his wet gorgeous body.

Link sighed, still not relieved from the heat after he took a layer of clothing off. He seemed to want to torture me even more with a very random thought as his eyes lit up.

"Let's streak!" he said excitedly. My eyes widened in horror. I would enjoy that. I would enjoy that way too much.

"No," I said, shaking my head furiously. I wouldn't want Impa to catch me naked. I would be murdered. I also definitely did NOT want to lose control once I saw Link naked. That would be ultimate hell.

"No Impa would murder me!" was my excuse.

"Come on," Link said. He seemed more excited about running around completely nude than a normal person… Link wasn't a normal person. That's just my luck. I fall in love with a completely abnormal person.

My abnormal Link decided that he wouldn't take no for an answer and soon enough, I was flat on my back with Link straddling me. He took off my turban and cowl and then proceeded with the rest of my clothes. He had reached for my vest next, which was the only cover up for my horny male body.

He saw it! He saw it! My goddesses! He saw it! I watched his eyes take one glance at my lower half before…

He went back to taking my body suit off. I was confused. He completely ignored it. How could you ignore it? How could you ignore the fact that someone of the same sex had a boner because of you?

I had no time to think of that as I relished in that fact that my body was free and open to the air. That only became seconds as I drooled at the sight of Link removing all his clothes.

And then there we were, streaking. We ran through the entire village with Link laughing his beautiful laugh the entire time. Heck! I couldn't care less if I was naked. Link was poking fun everyone in the strict village.

Women were shrieking in fright and shielding their curious children's eyes. Those prudes! They get to see the sexiest man alive naked and their not even thankful about it!

By my wonderful luck, I began to pick through the crowd and see Impa up ahead with a look of contorted rage. I was getting ready to run in the opposite direction and possibly prolong the flogging I would receive.

But… But no! What's this? He gritted teeth turned into an evil grin. A very evil grin at that… Impa knows how to get to people. She gets in your head and strikes brutally. Brutally by castration, or something equivalent to that.

She let us pass for now. I pondered what her evil plan could be while we took our naked jog through the village. Knowing her, it might just be something I will ever regret.

We ran through the rest of the city as I took many ganders at Link's gorgeous body. We reached for the well and…

Oh no… Oh goddesses!

**Fuck!**

This is **_fucking bad._**

This is **_really fucking bad._**

All our clothes were gone… This was Impa's doing. I know it!

"What do we do now!" I sighed hopelessly, suddenly realizing my complete embarrassment of being naked. I did not like this. Now I realized why clothes are so important to the Sheikah.

"No one's at the graveyard," Link said. He seemed slightly amused by this. "Let's go there."

So I followed Link into the graveyard and he brought me to Dampe the gravedigger's shack. Fortunately, Dampe was an old man who passed away a few months ago and no one decided they wanted the creepy job of grave digging yet.

When we entered, I dashed instantly for the bed sheet. It was small, so I couldn't fit it over my entire body and enjoy the fact that I wasn't disobeying Sheikah laws. So instead I simply wrapped it around my waist. It wasn't so bad that now THAT was covered.

"Hey I need that as well!" Link said to me before taking half the sheet and wrapping it around himself. Our hips connected together. However before I could state the embarrassment, I had one long moment in heaven.

It happened when Link gripped my shoulders tightly and slammed against the wall. He began to kiss my lips and neck while pressing himself against me. I could feel his hands all over my body. I moaned in reply.

Then I did a double take. Wait a second! Link, the ever so sexy god of sexiness, has began to lustfully make out with me…

This is so **awesome!**


End file.
